For this week’s lecture, Adrian Klemme, the Student Leadership Coordinator, spoke to us about conflict management.  He repeatedly emphasized that conflict was not a negative thing.  In fact, it is inevitable.  The reason that conflict has such a negative connotation is that many of us don’t know how to properly handle it.  But if conflict is approached the right way, it can result in strengthened relationships, growth and understanding, and ideally, an agreement that satisfies everybody’s interests.

       As part of the lesson, we each took a short test to evaluate what strategies we use to manage conflict.

There are five methods of dealing with conflict:

      So what were my results? Competing came in at 17 points, followed by Accommodating and Compromising at 12 points each.  At first, I was a little confused because these traits seem contradictory of each other.  But the more I thought about it, I realized that I use these different methods in different situations. 

       When I really feel strongly about something and it is personal to me, I am competitive.  I hate to say it, but this side of me comes out at home the most, and it has turned many conflicts into more than they needed to be.  However, it’s not always a bad thing.  I’m a natural debater, and it is easy for me to think of and organize counterarguments in my head quickly and defend my position.  But it’s equally important to listen to others’ ideas and opinions and be able to take constructive criticism, so I know I need to work on this.

       When it comes to everyday conflicts and annoyances, I usually try to let things go, so I guess this is where I am accommodating in my conflict management.  I try to pick my battles wisely, so most of the time if a friend or roommate does something to make me mad, I let it go for the sake of the relationship.  While this has benefitted me in many situations, it has also caused a few problems.  For example, in high school I had a few friends whose “teasing” got to the point that it not only annoying me, but was starting to hurting my confidence, but I would laugh with them and tried to act like it was not a big deal.  But the more it built up, the worse it got and when the issue was finally confronted, it was much more difficult to deal with.

       We were told that collaborating was the ideal method of handling conflict, so it was reassuring to realize that I do manage some conflicts well.  I think that I am a great collaborator in more formal situations like committee meetings, within my church calling, for class projects, or in leadership roles—I am a natural problem solver, so I usually can come up with effective ways to reach our overall goal and include everybody’s ideas in some way.  Now what I need to try to is incorporate this into my everyday conflict management.

       In class on Monday, we each came up with an individual conflict management plan. 

My physiological response: I can’t listen to the other person without constantly thinking of counterarguments for every little point they make

My thoughts during a conflict: Frustration, wanting to get my point across without listening to the other person’s.

Steps to manage my thoughts/emotions in a productive way:

• When the other person is talking clear my mind and actually try to understand their perspective.
• Wait my turn to talk and don’t interrupt.
• Don’t shoot down their ideas.  Instead, share mine calmly and if needed, constructively criticize. 
• Find ways to acknowledge the other person and identify common goals/ideas.
• Look for ways that both objectives can be reached and be willing to give up a little.
• Be receptive to the other person’s response to my ideas.

      In doing this, I think I figured out how I can overcome my competitive side and become a better collaborator. This will require me to let down my pride and be open to new ideas, but that’s okay.  One of the quotes shared with us was “define success in real gains, not imaginary losses”, and in this case, letting go of my opinions is definitely an imaginary loss.  It just doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things. The most important goal in a conflict is not to protect my own ideas, but to come up with a solution that is mutually beneficial for everybody.  I’m excited to try this new way of approaching conflict and see the positive sides of conflict when it is managed appropriately.